...........

The pain which was generally dull ache gnawing at my insides suddenly got acute….my body felt as if it would be better if it burst and released what was inside…..it was almost like physical pain like someone punching in your gut..the only difference was that no one could see any wound…whatever was there was within….in my heart….what seemed within reach, that was attainable became a mirage as I went closer.... Felt like it was mocking at me….i could not breathe.....suddenly all my optimistic views and hopes crushed…felt there was no point in hoping something better was actually in store for me….no bend in the road in sight.....the tunnel seemed dark...not even a faint flicker of light....had no incentive to work harder......giving up and giving in to the pain seemed easier than fighting it…..

oh ya you have said “ put in your best effort without thinking about result”…..i ask you today for how long….is one yr enough or one decade or one century or one lifetime….how much longer should I work without giving a thought to the fruit…….am I ever going to get what I am working hard for….how much more time should I be indifferent to the pain…how many more lessons have I got to learn by falling down again and again and again….

they say “you try the most whom you love the most”……sure have felt lots of your love……..wonderful way of showing your love for me……I don’t get answers even when I am crying out your name in despair…..why what I want for myself is so much against what you feel is good for me….am I supposed to accept in my life what you deal to me as your blessing…or should I still fight it out thinking foolishly that I am the one making my own destiny……only thing that has mattered most to me remains to be bestowed on me…..have got many other things to be happy about…for which I am happy and thankful and grateful for the generosity you have shown on me…but one thing that I want so desperately still remains a mirage…..

the pain builds up slowly and steadily at times and flares up like a dormant volcano at times….the breeze instead of caressing turns hostile, whispers in my ears there is still lot to endure till you find peace, the water pricks my body like needles lashing out to me for the crimes i committed unknowingly....crimes though committed unknowingly the hurt is there which is caused to others.....the thunder shouts you have to pay for whatever grief you have caused right here right now....there are no excuses...but i ask how is it my fault if i am misunderstood...if i am misinterpreted.....i never caused any harm to a single soul on purpose....i wonder then how much more....the sun i seek is hidden behind the clouds....feel no warmth in air.....the chill is creeping into my bones...am afraid of what tomorrow has in store for me......

dont know how to handle it except remembering you and i reassure myself that u love me too….that I am your child and u know whats happening to me…..that you are omnipresent….that you know whats best for me....but sometimes that does not work too…as my mind taunts my heart and its beliefs……the mind wants proof which the heart does not have……heart just has its faith and trust in you but it has been let down so many times, yet it keeps persevering ,stretching itself holding itself not to snap up……

the worst part is things are not in my hands, under my control…..i can do them only partially and the rest is for someone else to take it forward….so I do whats my job but then no one steps up take finish the task……and I keep doing my part over and over again waiting for the right person to step up and take the baton in his hands……take up the responsibility to see through the task….feel so helpless….i know you are busy and that there are people who need your attention more than I need for more important reasons…. but here I am, a small human in your vast creations awaiting my turn....

*********

i salute the authors of tragic books to be able to write the whole book.....as far as i am concerned this is as much tragic i can get.... my imagination didnt help me beyond this point.....got inspired from shubu's heathcliff post to write this one....guess i ll have to start attending shubu's lectures to come up with something better :)